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A SERMON. Christian Sheep, WE Celebrate to day a great Gospel: But before we speak any thing concerning it, we will treat of three things:
A SERMON. Christian Sheep, WE Celebrate to day a great Gospel: But before we speak any thing Concerning it, we will Treat of three things:
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The First you understand, and I understand it not: The Second I understand, and you understand, it not:
The First you understand, and I understand it not: The Second I understand, and you understand, it not:
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And the Third neither you nor I understand.
And the Third neither you nor I understand.
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The First, that you understand, and I understand not, is, That you understand that I should put away my Maid, and I understand it not.
The First, that you understand, and I understand not, is, That you understand that I should put away my Maid, and I understand it not.
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The Second thing, that I understand, and you understand not, is, That you make better Payment of your Tyths for the future,
The Second thing, that I understand, and you understand not, is, That you make better Payment of your Tithes for the future,
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than you have done yet, and you understand it not. And lastly, that which neither you nor I understand, is, The Gospel of the Day:
than you have done yet, and you understand it not. And lastly, that which neither you nor I understand, is, The Gospel of the Day:
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for which Reason we will let it alone; notwithstanding the Holy Day is so great, that we must say something concerning it.
for which Reason we will let it alone; notwithstanding the Holy Day is so great, that we must say something Concerning it.
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By'r Lady, 'tis that great St. Epiphania, Virgin and Martyr, Mother of three Kings, who died in Travel of her first Child.
By Lady, it's that great Saint Epiphany, Virgae and Martyr, Mother of three Kings, who died in Travel of her First Child.
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But lest some Devil should come and jumble our understanding, let us beseech the H. G. (look ye, 'tis that pretty White Pigeon which you see upon the Top of our Altar) Let us beg of him, I say, that he would suffer all my Noise,
But lest Some devil should come and jumble our understanding, let us beseech the H. G. (look you, it's that pretty White Pigeon which you see upon the Top of our Altar) Let us beg of him, I say, that he would suffer all my Noise,
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and he will do it (for he is a good Person) so it be by the intercession of the B. V. whom we are about to salute, as the Angel saluted her:
and he will do it (for he is a good Person) so it be by the Intercession of the B. V. whom we Are about to salute, as the Angel saluted her:
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But truly 'tis not the Angel of the Crucifix there, that I mean, by my Life, that little Knave, that he is;
But truly it's not the Angel of the Crucifix there, that I mean, by my Life, that little Knave, that he is;
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he fell upon my Head the other day; and howsoever I make a shew to him, I am none of his Well-wishers:
he fell upon my Head the other day; and howsoever I make a show to him, I am none of his Wellwishers:
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His Companion the Angel Gabriel was not so mischievous as he;
His Companion the Angel Gabriel was not so mischievous as he;
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he went always after his Break-fast, as we do now, to say his Ave Maria to the B. V, &c. W•ll then, the Three Kings were all great Saints:
he went always After his Breakfast, as we do now, to say his Have Maria to the B. V, etc. W•ll then, the Three Kings were all great Saints:
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But why, my Christian Flock, were these Kings, that had more Bushels of Pistols than William the Rich hath Carolus's, such great Saints? The Reason's this, They came not empty handed when they came to visit our Saviour;
But why, my Christian Flock, were these Kings, that had more Bushels of Pistols than William the Rich hath Carolus's, such great Saints? The Reason's this, They Come not empty handed when they Come to visit our Saviour;
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for the first brought — he brought — But by the wa• concerning Bringing.
for the First brought — he brought — But by the wa• Concerning Bringing.
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You Gentlemen Milk-sops, the first that brings but a Farthing to the Offering (as that great Masty did the last Sunday (whom yet I will not name,
You Gentlemen Milksops, the First that brings but a Farthing to the Offering (as that great Masty did the last Sunday (whom yet I will not name,
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because of giving scandal) By my Faith I'll maul his Jaws with my Trencher. That would be fine indeed!
Because of giving scandal) By my Faith I'll maul his Jaws with my Trencher. That would be fine indeed!
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Do you think that I, who represent Gods Person upon Earth, and am his Vicar in this Parish, will stand two hours by the Clock, fixt to the Ground like a Post,
Do you think that I, who represent God's Person upon Earth, and am his Vicar in this Parish, will stand two hours by the Clock, fixed to the Ground like a Post,
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and will wipe your Chops with my Plate, for a piece of Brass-Kettle, and that wholly defaced? And to shew you I speak not by rote, look you here is one that no Man knows whether it bears the Face of God or Antichrist:
and will wipe your Chops with my Plate, for a piece of Brass-Kettle, and that wholly defaced? And to show you I speak not by rote, look you Here is one that no Man knows whither it bears the Face of God or Antichrist:
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If you had put this piece into the Chest for the Repairs of the Church, it might have pass'd;
If you had put this piece into the Chest for the Repairs of the Church, it might have passed;
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but to design it for your Curate, I cannot bear it; for I am bound in Conscience to maintain the Cause of God.
but to Design it for your Curate, I cannot bear it; for I am bound in Conscience to maintain the Cause of God.
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It were better that you made not such haste to mend your broken Bell; 'tis sufficient we then mend it when we are better able;
It were better that you made not such haste to mend your broken Bell; it's sufficient we then mend it when we Are better able;
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the Parish is not of so great Revenue;
the Parish is not of so great Revenue;
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and besides, there is but too much noise already, for so little Wooll ▪ but in case you were willing to do your Christian Duty, are there not still two remaining, which teach you daily what you ought to do? Do not you hear that they sound daily in your Ears, Don, Don, Don? By that they would make you understand that •ou ought to multiply your gifts to your Curate.
and beside, there is but too much noise already, for so little Wool ▪ but in case you were willing to do your Christian Duty, Are there not still two remaining, which teach you daily what you ought to do? Do not you hear that they found daily in your Ears, DONE, DONE, DONE? By that they would make you understand that •ou ought to multiply your Gifts to your Curate.
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Notwithstanding, if you will give any thing towards the Reparation of the Church, you will find my Maid at the Market on Saturday next;
Notwithstanding, if you will give any thing towards the Reparation of the Church, you will find my Maid At the Market on Saturday next;
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give her what she shall ask of you, and I trust in the infinite Mercy of God, that he will pardon all those Faults that your abominable Covetousness made you guilty of.
give her what she shall ask of you, and I trust in the infinite Mercy of God, that he will pardon all those Faults that your abominable Covetousness made you guilty of.
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The Offering is a Sacrament, without which 'tis as impossible for you to enter into Paradise,
The Offering is a Sacrament, without which it's as impossible for you to enter into Paradise,
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as for a Cammel to go thorow the Eye of a Needle. You may laugh if you will, 'tis the Scrip. hath said it and not I:
as for a Cammel to go thorough the Eye of a Needle. You may laugh if you will, it's the Scrip. hath said it and not I:
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And for once more mend the Chief Altar;
And for once more mend the Chief Altar;
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for in truth, what a shameful thing is it to see that all the Saints in our Church are not worth a Devil? And seriously I am glad that an occasion is presented to speak of your St. Michael: There is a necessity that you cause a new one to be made:
for in truth, what a shameful thing is it to see that all the Saints in our Church Are not worth a devil? And seriously I am glad that an occasion is presented to speak of your Saint Michael: There is a necessity that you cause a new one to be made:
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Speak two words to your Purses;
Speak two words to your Purses;
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for as for mine, some Witch of this Village hath charmed it long sin•e, and so tied it up, it will not open — But hold, let me not go from my Text. I'll tell you then, that as for the Devil that is under Mr. St. Michael, he is not yet so contemptible;
for as for mine, Some Witch of this Village hath charmed it long sin•e, and so tied it up, it will not open — But hold, let me not go from my Text. I'll tell you then, that as for the devil that is under Mr. Saint Michael, he is not yet so contemptible;
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but St. Michael himself is worth nothing;
but Saint Michael himself is worth nothing;
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from the Head to the Foot you have worn him out with sticking Waxe-candles upon him:
from the Head to the Foot you have worn him out with sticking Wax-candles upon him:
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In the mean time you ought to offer to his Dragon;
In the mean time you ought to offer to his Dragon;
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for tho' Lucifer be a meer Devil, yet 'tis good to make friends both in Paradise and in Hell, one knows not what may become of one.
for though Lucifer be a mere devil, yet it's good to make Friends both in Paradise and in Hell, one knows not what may become of one.
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— Yet once more (my dear Parishoners) I have told you an hundred times •nd will tell you an hundred more, That the greatest mark of Reprobation, that an unhappy Wretch can arrive to in this World, is for a Man not to pay his Tyths to his Curate.
— Yet once more (my dear Parishioners) I have told you an hundred times •nd will tell you an hundred more, That the greatest mark of Reprobation, that an unhappy Wretch can arrive to in this World, is for a Man not to pay his Tithes to his Curate.
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Look upon Cain, What was the reason he was curs'd of God? t'was not for killing his Brother Abel; no truly there was another reason for it;
Look upon Cain, What was the reason he was cursed of God? was not for killing his Brother Abel; not truly there was Another reason for it;
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it was for nimming the Sheaf of Corn that he ow'd to God:
it was for nimming the Sheaf of Corn that he owed to God:
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God took notice of it, and would not reproach him to his Face, for that you know had not been handsome;
God took notice of it, and would not reproach him to his Face, for that you know had not been handsome;
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but he suffered his Brother Abel to raise a Dutch Quarrel with him: Cain, that was no Phlegmatick Fellow, took him o'r the Chaps;
but he suffered his Brother Abel to raise a Dutch Quarrel with him: Cain, that was no Phlegmatic Fellow, took him over the Chaps;
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Abel he returns it, so in the scuffle little Abel, who was as yet but a snotty-nos'd Boy, received a Whirret under the Ear with the Jaw Bone of an Ass (my dear Auditors) which chin'd him down the Back.Abel he returns it, so in the scuffle little Abel, who was as yet but a snotty-nosed Boy, received a Whirret under the Ear with the Jaw Bone of an Ass (my dear Auditors) which chined him down the Back.
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Where am I now, my faithful Flock? Hold, yes, no, by G. but 'tis — O Lord God, what running from a Cock to a Bull? Instead of treating of the three Kings, I talk of Tyths,
Where am I now, my faithful Flock? Hold, yes, no, by G. but it's — Oh Lord God, what running from a Cock to a Bull? Instead of treating of the three Kings, I talk of Tithes,
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but 'tis John Le Gatre that's the cause of it, that never brings me his without Grumbling,
but it's John Le Gatre that's the cause of it, that never brings me his without Grumbling,
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as well as Jaqueline Moreauc, who never fills my Nephews Bottles, but with dead Wine, and then not brimfull neither.
as well as Jacqueline Moreauc, who never fills my Nephews Bottles, but with dead Wine, and then not brimful neither.
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Is this the way, think you, to say Mass with any Courage?
Is this the Way, think you, to say Mass with any Courage?
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But let us return to our Kings — The Scr. says in express terms, Attulerant Aurum — Myrrham, &c. Thus they brought:
But let us return to our Kings — The Scr Says in express terms, Attulerant Aurum — Myrrh, etc. Thus they brought:
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The first brought Gold — Myrrhe, the second Incense;
The First brought Gold — Myrrh, the second Incense;
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the third brought — brought — but to the business of bringing, I would fain know why my Gossip Niquet hath not brought me a Cake upon Twelf-day;
the third brought — brought — but to the business of bringing, I would fain know why my Gossip Niquet hath not brought me a Cake upon Twelve-day;
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I'll speak it to his Teeth, I have taken Bread of him all the year; and this Saracen will not bring me a Cake.
I'll speak it to his Teeth, I have taken Bred of him all the year; and this Saracen will not bring me a Cake.
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Where are you Gossip Niquet? He is like John Nivill 's Dog, the more you call him, the farther he runs from you.
Where Are you Gossip Niquet? He is like John Nivill is Dog, the more you call him, the farther he runs from you.
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Go, go, you Cur of a Vagabond; Come on Sunday next to the Sermon, I'll give you Roast-meat.
Go, go, you Cur of a Vagabond; Come on Sunday next to the Sermon, I'll give you Roast-meat.
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See now (my Christian Flock) if such as these care either for God or the Mass — But let us return to our Kings: The second brought Incense;
See now (my Christian Flock) if such as these care either for God or the Mass — But let us return to our Kings: The second brought Incense;
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and the third brought — brought — But hark you, Pr. Landais, go and tell my Maid that she takes heed she burns not those Larks at the Fire;
and the third brought — brought — But hark you, Pr Landais, go and tell my Maid that she Takes heed she burns not those Larks At the Fire;
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for by the Faith of a Priest if she doth, she shall eat them her self. But I am too tedious;
for by the Faith of a Priest if she does, she shall eat them her self. But I am too tedious;
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let us look back to our Kings:
let us look back to our Kings:
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The first brought Gold, Myrrhe, the second brought Incense, and the third brought — brought — Hold, you Glazier, that look me in the Face, cast your Eyes upon the Chief Altar;
The First brought Gold, Myrrh, the second brought Incense, and the third brought — brought — Hold, you Glazier, that look me in the Face, cast your Eyes upon the Chief Altar;
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where you see those three Kings placed there;
where you see those three Kings placed there;
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that little Old Man, with a long shagged Beard there, was he that brought Gold — Myrrhe;
that little Old Man, with a long shagged Beard there, was he that brought Gold — Myrrh;
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he of the other side brought Incense:
he of the other side brought Incense:
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and that Moor that hath defam'd my Memory, brought — brought — brought — But some will say, What did he bring then? He brought a Turd in your Mouth, you Rascal:
and that Moor that hath defamed my Memory, brought — brought — brought — But Some will say, What did he bring then? He brought a Turd in your Mouth, you Rascal:
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Is it for you to enquire after the Mysteries of the Gospel? So that this Moor brought — he brought — Ha, my Parishioners, I have found it, he brought nothing,
Is it for you to inquire After the Mysteres of the Gospel? So that this Moor brought — he brought — Would, my Parishioners, I have found it, he brought nothing,
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for which cause God Excommunicated him, and he became Black as you see him:
for which cause God Excommunicated him, and he became Black as you see him:
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And so, my Villains, if you come to the Offering empty-handed, I swear to you by St. John, that I will have ready behind the Chief Altar a Pot of Blacking, with which I'll dress you as God did the Moor.
And so, my Villains, if you come to the Offering empty-handed, I swear to you by Saint John, that I will have ready behind the Chief Altar a Pot of Blacking, with which I'll dress you as God did the Moor.
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But God is good, and so am I. See then that you come in good numbers, and spit plentifully in the Bason:
But God is good, and so am I. See then that you come in good numbers, and spit plentifully in the Basin:
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and for the rest, whensoever you fail in other Duties, I'll pull my Hat in my Eyes, and see nothing:
and for the rest, whensoever you fail in other Duties, I'll pull my Hat in my Eyes, and see nothing:
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But this Vain Glory, this Pride, will draw you Head-long into the Bottomless Pit;
But this Vain Glory, this Pride, will draw you Headlong into the Bottomless Pit;
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you will not come to the Offering because such a one, or such a one took place of you, and went before you:
you will not come to the Offering Because such a one, or such a one took place of you, and went before you:
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Go, I'll tell you, If any one shall be so bold as to go before him that shall promise to offer a Quardecue, by my Faith I'll break his Jaws with my Plate.
Go, I'll tell you, If any one shall be so bold as to go before him that shall promise to offer a Quardecue, by my Faith I'll break his Jaws with my Plate.
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As for the Women, they are more zealous at the Offering;
As for the Women, they Are more zealous At the Offering;
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but for the Men, as soon as three or four have pass'd, you'd swear there were none left to make 'um a Tayle.
but for the Men, as soon as three or four have passed, You would swear there were none left to make they a Tail.
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The other day I happned to read a fine Treatise in Genesis, and 'tis concerning that pride that will sink you all to the pit,
The other day I happened to read a fine Treatise in Genesis, and it's Concerning that pride that will sink you all to the pit,
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if you take not good heed.
if you take not good heed.
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Lucifer, that was the fairest of all the Angels, became so presumptuous — yes, I remember that he became so presumptuous;Lucifer, that was the Fairest of all the Angels, became so presumptuous — yes, I Remember that he became so presumptuous;
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but, by my Faith, I have quite forgot what followed, notwithstanding there were very fine things that pass'd thereupon;
but, by my Faith, I have quite forgotten what followed, notwithstanding there were very fine things that passed thereupon;
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however, it is to shew you, that Haughtiness is always accompanied with pride.
however, it is to show you, that Haughtiness is always accompanied with pride.
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My dear Mother, (to whom God grant a long life,) preach'd often this Lesson to my little Brother and I;
My dear Mother, (to whom God grant a long life,) preached often this lesson to my little Brother and I;
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but I had a younger Brother was as untoward as an Avignon Jew. You speak of pride;
but I had a younger Brother was as untoward as an Avignon Jew. You speak of pride;
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he would suffer no body but himself to Chime the Bells upon the day of the Dedication,
he would suffer no body but himself to Chime the Bells' upon the day of the Dedication,
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as I remember it still, as if I were there;
as I Remember it still, as if I were there;
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that you should as soon have hang'd him, as get the Bells out of his hands all the time of the Procession —
that you should as soon have hanged him, as get the Bells' out of his hands all the time of the Procession —
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But to the purpose, We have many other Holy days this Month: First we have Madam St. Renue, that Cures the Itch:
But to the purpose, We have many other Holy days this Monn: First we have Madam Saint Renew, that Cures the Itch:
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you will have it on Monday:
you will have it on Monday:
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Then you will have that Holy day that is like a Reed — Hold, I have it, it is the Holy Cross.
Then you will have that Holy day that is like a Reed — Hold, I have it, it is the Holy Cross.
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You will have likewise — Ha, who hath put me in this pretty Beast Saint Simon and Judas? By'r Lady, yes, Saint Simon and Saint Judas, 'Tis in my Breviary:
You will have likewise — Would, who hath put me in this pretty Beast Saint Simon and Judas? By Lady, yes, Saint Simon and Saint Judas, It's in my Breviary:
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I know not what we shall do (my dear parishioners) in this Affair;
I know not what we shall do (my dear parishioners) in this Affair;
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Nevertheless, if you will follow my Counsel, we will keep it Holy day till 12 at Noon,
Nevertheless, if you will follow my Counsel, we will keep it Holy day till 12 At Noon,
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for Saint Simon; and as for Judas, that Redhead Fellow, let him scratch his breech in the Sun:
for Saint Simon; and as for Judas, that Redhead Fellow, let him scratch his breech in the Sun:
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& if we should keep no Holy day neither for one nor the other, it would be no great matter;
& if we should keep no Holy day neither for one nor the other, it would be no great matter;
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for it is to be presum'd that Simon was not much better than Judas, since he was so ill coupled.
for it is to be presumed that Simon was not much better than Judas, since he was so ill coupled.
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Besides these, you have the four Brothers, who became Saints by Fasting; these are the four seasons.
Beside these, you have the four Brother's, who became Saints by Fasting; these Are the four seasons.
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I know not whether that which I am about to tell you be not Apochryphal,
I know not whither that which I am about to tell you be not Apocryphal,
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but I have heard a Curate of this Province say, that amongst our Reliques we have the little finger of the youngest Brother of the four season.
but I have herd a Curate of this Province say, that among our Relics we have the little finger of the youngest Brother of the four season.
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We have farther the first Sunday of the Month, you shall have it on Fryday;
We have farther the First Sunday of the Monn, you shall have it on Friday;
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I had a mind to say something to you of it, because it comes very oft;
I had a mind to say something to you of it, Because it comes very oft;
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but I cannot find his Life in my Legend.
but I cannot find his Life in my Legend.
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Item, you will have Saint Sol in Cancro; he must certainly have been a Martyr, because he is in Red Letters.Item, you will have Saint Sol in Cancro; he must Certainly have been a Martyr, Because he is in Read Letters.
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— These are apparently all the Holy days that will hinder us from working. The rest of my Exhortation shall only consist of some wholesome advice;
— These Are apparently all the Holy days that will hinder us from working. The rest of my Exhortation shall only consist of Some wholesome Advice;
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and in the first place I admonish you to pay your Tythes better than yet you have done, to come oftner to the Offering,
and in the First place I admonish you to pay your Tithes better than yet you have done, to come oftener to the Offering,
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and the Sermon, and not to take Example of Matur in Mass, that mocks, and says he comes not,
and the Sermon, and not to take Exampl of Matur in Mass, that mocks, and Says he comes not,
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because he knows before-hand what I shall say? But do but consider, this Rascal,
Because he knows beforehand what I shall say? But do but Consider, this Rascal,
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how can he know that which I know not my self? Doth he know the story in my Bible? There is not a more infallible Mark in the World of peoples Reprobation,
how can he know that which I know not my self? Does he know the story in my bible? There is not a more infallible Mark in the World of peoples Reprobation,
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than when they scandalize their Curate.
than when they scandalise their Curate.
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Yes, Jaqueline Lambert said, that I had bragg'd I knew from good hands, that the great Perrine had had a Child;
Yes, Jacqueline Lambert said, that I had bragged I knew from good hands, that the great Perrine had had a Child;
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but he lied, I never said it: and besides, I should have been a knave if I had;
but he lied, I never said it: and beside, I should have been a knave if I had;
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for the poor Wench told it me at Confession.
for the poor Wench told it me At Confessi.
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But if I should have said she lies with the Curate of Bonneval — notwithstanding I shall forbear;
But if I should have said she lies with the Curate of Bonneval — notwithstanding I shall forbear;
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for then 'tis like she would be so silly as to come no more to Confession.
for then it's like she would be so silly as to come no more to Confessi.
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Ha, I speak it seriously withall my heart, I would willingly, methinks, put a cornerd Cap upon the head of that Hugonot h•r Husband:
Would, I speak it seriously withal my heart, I would willingly, methinks, put a cornered Cap upon the head of that Huguenot h•r Husband:
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'Tis that Devil that teaches her all her wickedness.
It's that devil that Teaches her all her wickedness.
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If I had been Pope, I would have suffer'd the Hugonots to have dwelt where they pleas'd, provided they lived not in any Parish,
If I had been Pope, I would have suffered the Huguenots to have dwelled where they pleased, provided they lived not in any Parish,
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& should have made a hundred other Laws of that Nature:
& should have made a hundred other Laws of that Nature:
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But there was one chosen th'other day, and I might as well have been Chosen in his stead;
But there was one chosen The other day, and I might as well have been Chosen in his stead;
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but, to its great loss, the Church would not:
but, to its great loss, the Church would not:
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yet I see, that if you pay not your Tythes better, I shall at last be oblig'd to leave this World,
yet I see, that if you pay not your Tithes better, I shall At last be obliged to leave this World,
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and go to Rome for a Cardinals Cap.
and go to Room for a Cardinals Cap.
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But to our purpose, I must tell you, that Maturin Pollard thought he had vexed me shrewdly,
But to our purpose, I must tell you, that Maturin Pollard Thought he had vexed me shrewdly,
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when he told it up and down, that I had said three Masses in one day.
when he told it up and down, that I had said three Masses in one day.
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If I say one in a day, I do well; if I say 3, I do twice as well:
If I say one in a day, I do well; if I say 3, I do twice as well:
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But look ye, these people have no more Devotion either for Tythes or Offerings than an Atheist:
But look you, these people have no more Devotion either for Tithes or Offerings than an Atheist:
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Nay they will not so much as go to a Procession about the Town. Be sure you fall not to come;
Nay they will not so much as go to a Procession about the Town. Be sure you fallen not to come;
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I shall be in Saint Dennis Porch by Eight of the Clock too Morrow Morning:
I shall be in Saint Dennis Porch by Eight of the Clock too Morrow Morning:
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but let none presume to come thither, that is not resolved to give me a penny for each farthing Candle he receives from me;
but let none presume to come thither, that is not resolved to give me a penny for each farthing Candle he receives from me;
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and then the least you can give for the Benediction, is a Carolus; and that Carolus must not hinder the penny for Confession.
and then the least you can give for the Benediction, is a Carolus; and that Carolus must not hinder the penny for Confessi.
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Do you think I will stay there two Hours by the Clock, in my great Chair with Arms,
Do you think I will stay there two Hours by the Clock, in my great Chair with Arms,
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for the love of your fair Eyes? No, no, my dear Auditors, of nothing comes nothing.
for the love of your fair Eyes? No, no, my dear Auditors, of nothing comes nothing.
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When I send my Bands to the Laundress, they cost me at least two farthings;
When I send my Bans to the Laundress, they cost me At least two farthings;
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and when I have rendred your Consciences three times cleaner than my Bands, I shall be paid with a God help you.
and when I have rendered your Consciences three times cleaner than my Bans, I shall be paid with a God help you.
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What a sottish thing is this, and of you chiefly, who no more say your Pater Noster, than a Company of Heathens;
What a sottish thing is this, and of you chiefly, who no more say your Pater Noster, than a Company of heathens;
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and of you that are the cause, for your Sacrilegious Offerings, and Execrable Tythes, that our Saviour comes no more amongst us in the World? 'Tis a thing I thought much of the other day, while I compos'd this Sermon;
and of you that Are the cause, for your Sacrilegious Offerings, and Execrable Tithes, that our Saviour comes no more among us in the World? It's a thing I Thought much of the other day, while I composed this Sermon;
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for since he hath once come already, he may well come a second time.
for since he hath once come already, he may well come a second time.
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Yet consider, my dear flock, if he should come, where should he be lodg'd? It would not be with any of you,
Yet Consider, my dear flock, if he should come, where should he be lodged? It would not be with any of you,
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for you eat nothing but Bacon, and the Jews never eat any;
for you eat nothing but Bacon, and the jews never eat any;
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neither would it be at the Castle, for that would be the House of Pilate, Where then should he lodge,
neither would it be At the Castle, for that would be the House of Pilate, Where then should he lodge,
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but in my Viccaridge? Well, well, let him come if he please; he is good, and knows how to carry himself:
but in my Viccaridge? Well, well, let him come if he please; he is good, and knows how to carry himself:
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but I wi•l lay my Ears to a farthing, that if he comes not, 'Tis long of these Dog Hugonots, that mock at our Reliques:
but I wi•l lay my Ears to a farthing, that if he comes not, It's long of these Dog Huguenots, that mock At our Relics:
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However ours are not like the Curates of Forigneux, that hath made an Arme of Saint Stephen of a Bone of fresh pork:
However ours Are not like the Curates of Forigneux, that hath made an Arm of Saint Stephen of a Bone of fresh pork:
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Amongst ours there are the finest things in the World;
among ours there Are the Finest things in the World;
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First, the Tooth of the real Cross, two Sighs of Saint John Baptist, a piece of Joseph's Haunch, the Shadow of Saint Peter, the •od-piece of Lazarus, the Spittle of Mary Magdalen, a piece of the Cord that Judas Hang'd himself in, one of the Shoes of Saint Paul's Horse, half a pack of Cards that Cain ordinarily carried in this pocket, one of the Queen of Shebas, Garters, a Plaister that was upon one of Job's Ulcers, a piece of the paring of the Apple that Adam eat, some of Pilate's Urine, some of the Milk of the 11000 Virgins,
First, the Tooth of the real Cross, two Sighs of Saint John Baptist, a piece of Joseph's Haunch, the Shadow of Saint Peter, the •od-piece of Lazarus, the Spittle of Marry Magdalen, a piece of the Cord that Judas Hanged himself in, one of the Shoes of Saint Paul's Horse, half a pack of Cards that Cain ordinarily carried in this pocket, one of the Queen of Shebas, Garters, a Plaster that was upon one of Job's Ulcers, a piece of the paring of the Apple that Adam eat, Some of Pilate's Urine, Some of the Milk of the 11000 Virgins,
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and a Thousand other excellent things. For all this I am told, that Mrs. Massie, forsooth laughs at these things:
and a Thousand other excellent things. For all this I am told, that Mrs. Massie, forsooth laughs At these things:
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Well, you Devils Whore, mock on; the Devil will have his turn to mock you one of these days.
Well, you Devils Whore, mock on; the devil will have his turn to mock you one of these days.
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I'll tell you, th' other day she was playing at Kittle-pins with the Boys (Ah my God) why was not I there? I would have Kittle-pinn'd her as well as the rest of them that immitate the Tolouse Ladies, that refuse to come to the Sermon, and say 'tis too long.
I'll tell you, the other day she was playing At Kittlepins with the Boys (Ah my God) why was not I there? I would have Kittle-pinned her as well as the rest of them that imitate the Toulouse Ladies, that refuse to come to the Sermon, and say it's too long.
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Go you Beasts, now you are in your Beds, and you find it too long: How now!
Go you Beasts, now you Are in your Beds, and you find it too long: How now!
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I shall be two Hours by the Clock in my Chair of Truth, playing the fool,
I shall be two Hours by the Clock in my Chair of Truth, playing the fool,
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whil'st you are in your Beds, with your Legs stretch'd out:
whilst you Are in your Beds, with your Legs stretched out:
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Ah, you Wagtails, were I but with you, I would make you raise your Lazie Bums, and come to the Sermon.
Ah, you Wagtails, were I but with you, I would make you raise your Lazy Bums, and come to the Sermon.
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You think to expiate all this for a pair of Carolusses;
You think to expiate all this for a pair of Carolusses;
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you are afraid of breaking your Knees at your prayers, and had rather read a Comedy or Romance, than come to Vespers;
you Are afraid of breaking your Knees At your Prayers, and had rather read a Comedy or Romance, than come to Vespers;
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and when your Curate reproves you, you laugh at him:
and when your Curate reproves you, you laugh At him:
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As soon as you perceive me coming to your house, you hide your selves, and lock up you• prophane Books;
As soon as you perceive me coming to your house, you hide your selves, and lock up you• profane Books;
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but I have no sooner turn'd my Buttocks, but your Nos• is in them:
but I have no sooner turned my Buttocks, but your Nos• is in them:
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In fine, you think much to give Ten pence for a good Mass wit• all it's Furniture.
In fine, you think much to give Ten pence for a good Mass wit• all it's Furniture.
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All this while our Saviour says nothing, but he think• the more; he watches for your stumbling;
All this while our Saviour Says nothing, but he think• the more; he watches for your stumbling;
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and when you will demand any thing of him, he will answer you, Ha, my Churlish Gossip; go, you rascally Pinch penny. Look you for Example:
and when you will demand any thing of him, he will answer you, Would, my Churlish Gossip; go, you rascally Pinch penny. Look you for Exampl:
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There is Jaquiline L'Eri, ought not she to pay an Obseero every day, for that fortunate Match of her Daughter with Rich W•lliam, and pray in this manner;
There is Jaquiline L'Eri, ought not she to pay an Obseero every day, for that fortunate Match of her Daughter with Rich W•lliam, and pray in this manner;
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Lord, thou knowest that Rich William hath married my Daughter, and that he loves her not; Lord, thou Knowest that Rich William hath married my Daughter, and that he loves her not;
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and i• perchance you know it not, I am bold to instruct you:
and i• perchance you know it not, I am bold to instruct you:
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Compel him to love her ▪ and if that come to pass, by St. John, I swear to recompence it? If you knew but how he loves Religious and Devout Prayers of this sort, you would certainly be astonished.Compel him to love her ▪ and if that come to pass, by Saint John, I swear to recompense it? If you knew but how he loves Religious and Devout Prayers of this sort, you would Certainly be astonished.
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Well then, I have no more to say to you but this:
Well then, I have no more to say to you but this:
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If after all the Care and Pains I take with you, to make you pay your Tythes,
If After all the Care and Pains I take with you, to make you pay your Tithes,
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and come to the Offering, for his Glory, and the quieting of my Conscience;
and come to the Offering, for his Glory, and the quieting of my Conscience;
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you find that I do not do my Christian Duty, beseech your Patron, and thus entreat him:
you find that I do not do my Christian Duty, beseech your Patron, and thus entreat him:
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Our Patron, our Curate Mr. John is a good Man; and if the Wicked scandalize him, you ought not to credit them; Our Patron, our Curate Mr. John is a good Man; and if the Wicked scandalise him, you ought not to credit them;
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for whil'st an indispensible Necessity keeps us Labouring in the Field, far from our dear Wives and Children, he is ever watching that opportunity to prick them forward to Devotion,
for whilst an indispensible Necessity keeps us Labouring in the Field, Far from our dear Wives and Children, he is ever watching that opportunity to prick them forward to Devotion,
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and pushing them on to some good Exercise. Thus you ought to take my part: We must not be bashful in assisting each other.and pushing them on to Some good Exercise. Thus you ought to take my part: We must not be bashful in assisting each other.
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The Gate of Paradise is so strait, that every one must be squeez'd together that enters there:
The Gate of Paradise is so strait, that every one must be squeezed together that enters there:
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I refer my self to St. Paul, if he was not compelled to tumble from his Horse,
I refer my self to Saint Paul, if he was not compelled to tumble from his Horse,
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though a great Halberdier as he was, and yet he was found too big by the Head. But it is time to finish (my dear Parishioners) I have nothing more to say to you,
though a great Halberdier as he was, and yet he was found too big by the Head. But it is time to finish (my dear Parishioners) I have nothing more to say to you,
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but only to recommend Monsier and Madam Colignac to your Prayers, and for them 'tis out of Devotion;
but only to recommend Monsier and Madam Colignac to your Prayers, and for them it's out of Devotion;
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but chiefly and principally, before all others, for the Wife of Sampson Le Balaser, that so kindly presented me with a Dish of Fresh Butter the other day:
but chiefly and principally, before all Others, for the Wife of Sampson Le Balaser, that so kindly presented me with a Dish of Fresh Butter the other day:
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By G — it was the loveliest that ever Eye beheld. She will go all alone into Paradise, and you to a thousand Devils.
By G — it was the loveliest that ever Eye beheld. She will go all alone into Paradise, and you to a thousand Devils.
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Hark my Parishioners the Clock strikes: God send you all thither. Amen FINIS.
Hark my Parishioners the Clock strikes: God send you all thither. Amen FINIS.
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